Funny Quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.