The Tax Inspector and the Rabbi

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these breadwafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of breadwafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know - it - all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Breaking News: Bird Flu Hits Florida

YOGA FROM INDIA












YOGA FROM SOUTHERN UNITED STATES

Here's the joke..

A man phoned his doctor late at night saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis.

"That's impossible," the physician replied, peeved at being woken up. "She had an appendectomy last year. Don't be stupid. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"

"No, you jerk!," the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"

Marital Bliss

The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband
said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's
Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back.


'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.


'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he
answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.'


The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She
opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But
at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... '


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass,
Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the
freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding
it.


The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie
Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that
are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'


'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She
opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, and little quiches.


'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know
there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN
SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE
YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOUR ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED
BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'


And..they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet
story?


MARRIED LIFE............MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

Great Truths About Growing Old

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Here's the joke....

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay because he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says ... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are ........)

As I Mature

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up tryst, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destory it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones never go away.

Looking for a Job in Sales?

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid says, "One".

The boss says "Just one???!!!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

Two choices.....

Life decisions that people have to make are never simple.

The importance of the initial decision should always be examined over the long run.

Memories made and cherished are sure to be tempered along the way.

Consider the following two choices...

Should I get a Dog...

OR have Children????

Here's The Joke

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

Here's The Joke

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. As the barman’s pouring it the cowboy looks about him.

‘Where is everybody?’ he says.

‘Gone to the hanging,’ says the barman

Hanging?’ says the cowboy. ‘Who they hanging?’

‘Brownpaper Pete,’ replies the barman.

‘Brownpaper Pete? Why do they call him that?’

‘Well,’ says the barman. ‘His hat’s made of brown paper, his shirt’s made of brown paper, his jacket’s made of brown paper and his trousers are made of brown paper.’

‘Really?’ says the cowboy. ‘What they hanging him for?’

‘Rustling.’

Executives

A group of junior-level executives were participating in
a management training program. The seminar leader pounded
home his point about the need to make decisions and take
action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log
and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would
you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five
because there is a difference between deciding to jump and
jumping."

Test Your IQ

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what
animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

Scroll down for the answers...

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Answers:

1. 116 years
2. Ecuador
3. Sheep and Horses
4. November
5. Squirrel fur
6. Dogs (Canines)
7. Albert
8. Crimson
9. New Zealand

Here's The Joke

A young cowboy from Prescott, AZ walks into
the White Cafe in Winslow, AZ. He sits at the counter
and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring
blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at
it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young wrangler, and in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the
bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with
delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices
a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."