Consultants

I learned from personal experience that a Consultant can look at your wrist watch and tell you what time it is, some of the time.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant

1) You're right; we're billing way too much for this.

2) Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".

3) How about paying us based on the success of the project?

4) This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.

5) Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

6) I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

7) Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.

8) I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

9) The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

10) Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

A Physician, a Civil Engineer, and a Consultant

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"