This is the time of year when we think back to the very
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb --
went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are simple
words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet
often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said
so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. and Joseph was going
to throweth it away, but Mary sayeth unto him, she sayeth, 'Hold it!
That is nice paper! Save it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his
eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than, for example,
the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first
Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those
gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting
paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my
opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys
I know. One is my son Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is,
quote, "If it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the
person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he
does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15
seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped
at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards
and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a
regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can
still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this
sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field
of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by
Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper,
she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES
wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps
the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of
mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual
volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills -- like having babies
-- that comes more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am
presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim
that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your
own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half
horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
They must be smoking crack.
If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it
inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This
creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient
on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or
how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year,
is that you save the receipt.
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