Some humor from comedian Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't
have to go. You'll just be walking down the street,
and... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy
above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...
with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money
in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun
to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went
insane. Now he just ignores me.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned
it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next
day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now
and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes
and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted".
There was another sign below it that said "self service".
So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave
myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like
a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think
about what kind of food you want, and the table would move
across the floor to it.