Humorous Quotes

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness ..... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist' s diet: -

If it tastes good, spit it out.