Here's The Jokes

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?"

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and family members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."

Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison"!