Service Humor

'If the Enemy is in range, so are you.'- Infantry Journal
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed' - U.S. Air Force Manual
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'Aim towards the Enemy' - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
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'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.' - U.S. Marine Corps
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'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground.' - USAF Ammo Troop
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'Whoever said th e pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
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'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.' - Infantry Journal
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'You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.' - U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt
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'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds' - Infantry Journal
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'Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.' - U.S. Navy Swabbie
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'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.' - David Hackworth
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'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.' - Infantry Journal
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'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' - Joe Gay
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - Unknown
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit
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'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.'
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'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
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'Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.' - From an old carrier sailor
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.'
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
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'Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.'
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies.'
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'
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'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'
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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.'
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
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'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.'
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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'A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.' - Jon McBride, astronaut
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'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.' - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
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'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.' - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.'
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
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Basic Flying Rules: 'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.'
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot).
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