Memorable Quotes

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

— Stephen Wright

I was unavoidably detained by my lack of punctuality.

— Ethan Greer

You don't have to change much to change everything.

— Mark Rosewater

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

— Groucho Marx

Don't be humble. You're not that great.

— Golda Meir

When God gives you lemons, find a new god.

— collegehumor.com

The Good Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Unless you die of something.

— Guindon cartoon caption

People who like to dive through plate-glass windows shouldn't live in stone houses.

— Allen Hetzer

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?

— Francois de La Rochefoucauld

You can look at practically any part of anything man-made around you and think, "Some engineer was frustrated while designing this." It's a little human connection.

— Randall Munroe

The more you love, the more you can love — and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit to how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.

— Lazarus Long, as transcribed by Robert Heinlein

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

— Robert Wilensky

No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present little instant.

— Fra Giovanni Giocondo

Lazy writing will always stand on the shoulders of clichéd giants.

— Josh Wilson

There is no food so good that it cannot be improved by forming it into a loaf.

— Ethan Greer

Independence? That's middle class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.

— George Bernard Shaw

Profanity is the inevitable linguistic crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.

— Bruce Sherrod

To judge from the notions expounded by theologians, one must conclude that God created most men simply with a view to crowding hell.

— Marquis De Sade

Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.

— Denis Diderot

If you meet a clown in the forest it means you're gonna die.

— Unknown

Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.

— Frank Zappa

The only thing more annoying than a proselytizing Christian is a proselytizing atheist.

— Ethan Greer

My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live.

— Erica Jong

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

— Woody Allen

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.

— John Cage

This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.

— Horace Walpole

People say life's too short to be unhappy. But if you're unhappy, everything seems to last a really, really long time.

— Ethan Greer

Instant gratification takes too long.

— Carrie Fisher

Hell is other people.

— Jean-Paul Sartre

How fleeting are all human passions compared with the massive continuity of ducks.

— Dorothy Sayers, Gaudy Night

"College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking.

— David Sedaris

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

— George Jean Nathan

Just once I want to see a bad movie where someone says something dramatic and affecting like, "I've got bad news, Frank... your sister's in the hospital." And Frank would look glum, rub his eyes, and say, "I have a sister?"

— Steven Marsh

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

— Oscar Wilde

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

— Stephen Wright

I have come to the conclusion, after many years of sometimes sad experience, that you cannot come to any conclusion at all.

— Vita Sackville-West

We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.

— Buck Henry

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

— Ambrose Bierce

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

— Oscar Wilde

No sane man will dance.

— Cicero

The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.

— Alexander Jablokov

Time is a storm in which we are all lost.

— William Carlos Williams

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.

— Woody Allen

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.

— Ambrose Bierce

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted.

— Fred Allen

The world is in the situation of a man who, when his wife had indigestion, took a pill, on the sound theory that having eaten the same thing, he would have the indigestion sooner or later.

— Louis Bartlett

It is well, when judging a friend, to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and superior impartiality.

— Arnold Bennett

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

— James Ernest

Indeed, one of the ultimate advantages of education is simply coming to an end of it.

— B.F. Skinner

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

— Voltaire

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.

— John Galsworthy

Fiery death? Whatever...

— Ethan Greer

There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.

— Albert Camus

The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled.

— Robert Benchley

Here's ten bucks; bring me the head of Barry Manilow, alright? I want to drink beer out of his empty head! I want to have a Barry Manilow skull keg party at my apartment, okay? You write the songs; we'll drink the beer out of your head!

— Dennis Leary

The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle, complimentarty way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

There is no such thing as "social gambling." Either you're there to cut the other bloke's heart out and eat it — or you're a sucker. If you don't like this choice — don't gamble.

— Robert Heinlein, The Notebooks of Lazarus Long

Organized Christianity has probably done more to retard the ideals that were its founder's than any other agency in the world.

— Richard le Gallienne

Nobody ought to wear a Greek fisherman's cap who doesn't meet two qualifications:
1. He is Greek.
2. He is a fisherman.

— Roy Blount, Jr.

Never turn your back on reality. It surrounds you.

— Stanislaw J. Lec

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.

— George Bernard Shaw

Our quaint metaphysical opinions, in an hour of anguish, are like playthings by the bedside of a child deathly sick.

— Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

— Fran Lebowitz

Lost, yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered, for they are gone forever.

— Horace Mann

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.

— Philip Sheridan

I'm clinging with a sort of near-religious desperation to the concept that writing is a form of immortality. The writer dies but his words live on. It's all bollocks; dead is dead. But hey, goals are important.

— Isaac Kelley

Slums may well be breeding grounds of crime, but middle-class suburbs are incubators of apathy and delerium.

— Cyril Connolly

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

— Ambrose Bierce

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

— Mark Twain

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

— W.C. Fields

Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

— Al Capp

Desire unacted is corruption.

— Ursula K. Le Guin

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

— Woody Allen

I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly.

— Michel de Montaigne

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

— Jean Kerr

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

— Laurence J. Peter

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

— Dorothy Parker

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrement.

— Florynce Kennedy

The young always have the same problem — how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.

— Quentin Crisp

Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post hole in sixty seconds.
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post hole in one second.

— Ambrose Bierce

The bitterness of poor quality far outlasts the sweetness of a bargain.

— Unknown

If tomato paste is made out of tomatoes, what is toothpaste made out of?

— Ethan Greer

Reality is not subject to the limits of human knowledge.

— Troy Gustavel

Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

— Unknown