The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
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